WHY ME?

After the preliminaries were done with, Dr opened the papers in his hands and told me to be strong. He then read out the results.

The summary of the results were that I indeed tested positive for breast cancer. Stage 3c!

At this point everyone at the table had tears in their eyes. My dear husband was actually crying. He later on told me that he saw all the pain involved in treating cancer and could not bear to think that I would go through same.

I'm someone that do not like crying in public so as much as I felt like crying I forced a smile and used whatever will or strength I had left in me to ask Dr if I could be treated.

I was very relieved when he said yes. The results also had my treatment plan with the drugs to be used. He said I would have to go through chemotherapy, radiation and a mastectomy! My heart beat faster! All these treatments?

Dr said since I did not have insurance in the US or even in Nigeria the treatment will have to be self pay and this would cost approximately $250,000.

He encouraged me and assured me that himself and his family were ready to go through this period with me and that he was confident I would come out fine. I was very grateful for those words because at this point I did not know what to think.

The 'meeting' ended.

While everyone were getting up and all, I went into the guest room where we stayed, climbed into bed and wept!

Oh how I wept that evening.

When I couldn't weep anymore I started to cry. While crying different thoughts came to my mind. 'So I have a few more months to live. My husband will have to re-marry. I won't ever have kids. Where will I even get the money to pay for the treatment? Why was this happening to me? Why me? Why? What caused the cancer? What did I do wrong? Not even stage 1 or 2 or 3a or 3b but 3c! The second to last stage'. The questions and thoughts kept coming and I would cry harder with each thought!

I then tried to pray but I just could not so I just decided to talk to God like He was sitting in front of me and watching me.

I asked why He allowed this happen to me and why he would allow a sickness that I cannot afford to afflict me. I asked how I was going to pay for the treatment and whether I would even survive it because a lot of people always die in the course of treatment. The questions just kept coming out.

I was not angry but felt life had not been fair to me. I had just gotten married and planned that 2013 was the year to start trying for kids all for me to be told I had cancer. I had lost my mum, dad and only brother earlier so I felt that life was indeed cruel to me at this stage.

Then I heard those words 'I will help you'. I heard it so clearly in my ears, quiet, soft and calming. 'I will help you through it all'

And help me did He through it all.

WAITING...

The biopsy result was to come out in three to four days or thereabout.
 

As we had decided to make the most of the trip, we refused to let the circumstances and seemingly 'long wait' deter us. We went to the mall, movies, restaurants and drove round Philadelphia. We attended birthday parties, met old friends and made new ones and of course, shopped!

In the midst of all this, I always had quiet moments when my mind would wander off to the possibility that the result could come out positive for cancer but I was always very  quick to reject such 'negative thoughts'. (I believe strongly in the power of positive confession and positive thoughts). At a point I was confident of the fact that satan was trying to pull a fast one on me and that I cannot have cancer. Haba! How old was I? What could I have done wrong? Whom could I have offended that wished me dead?

Before we left Nigeria,  we had discussed the whole stuff with our Pastors and a doctor in church so they would send messages, scriptures and prayers to encourage me. These went a very long way.

 Then the D-day came! The 18th of February, 2013!

Dr. called my husband and I, his wife, his practice manager and another doctor who is a friend to the family and us to the table for the results.

At this point, I try to read the expression on his face and his wife's but could not figure out whether they had seen it and were sad for me. I just could not figure it out. Dr. said somethings before he got to the main reason for the meeting all of which I could not listen to properly because of the struggles going on in my mind.

My heart was beating really fast and my hands shaking. I had to calm myself down. I told myself to be ready for whatever came.

So again I waited.

...and then Dr. read the results out.

 

MALIGNANT! - PART 2

‎My last entry was in July 2013! That's two years and two months ago! *coversface* I apologise for this and hope to be better from now on (can't promise just yet).

My dearest husband and I left for the US on the 10th of February, 2013. It was our first time travelling to the States so there was so much excitement and joy in our hearts despite the fact that we knew I had tests to do.

We got married in 2011 and could not have a proper honeymoon (because I was to start my final masters exam (LLM) three days later) so we decided to make the most of the trip.

We got to Philadelphia on the 11th of February. Dr met us at the airport and drove us personally to Wilmington, Delaware  where we stayed for two weeks.

Then the tests and scans began!

‎

Being a cardiologist, Dr referred me to Dr. Shauna Macintosh who is  a gynaecologist so that she could examine me and refer me to an oncologist. 

I went to see Dr Macintosh and after examining me she gave me notes and test slips and sent me to the Helen G. Graham, Breast Cancer Center of the Christiana Care Hospital at Newark ('Christiana'). She however advised that I do a pap smear test which I gladly did.

I must mention that when Dr. Macintosh gave me a slip to go do a mammogram I told her that I could not do it as I was not yet 40 years old. Her first statement was 'who told you that?' then she went on to explain that though that is the general 'rule' there were exceptions. That in a case like mine where one can feel all sorts of lumps a mammogram was required.

My husband and I went to Christiana and I repeated the sonogram and went in for the mammogram. 

During the sonogram the radiologist carrying out the scan was as confused as the lady that did the scan for me in Nigeria but instead of concluding like her Nigerian counterpart, she asked for my permission to get a second opinion to which I agreed. She called a colleague of hers and they both looked at the monitors together.

When both of them finished they told me that they would like to bring in a doctor to go through the pictures before they conclude to which I agreed to. The doctor came in and looked at the monitors again with them. We were on this for almost 45 minutes. Finally the scan was concluded and I was asked to wait for the results.

I'm not here to compare or judge or belittle what happened in Nigeria but the way the sonogram was handled at Christiana is what any reasonable radiologist should have done. Asking a colleague or doctor or anyone with more experience than you doesn't make you less of a radiologist. It only helps you save lives and get better!

‎

 Till date I always thank God that I did not accept the result from Ibadan as final because I would have gone on with my life thinking all was well.

Anyways, by the time I saw the pictures, they were totally different from what I saw in the pictures from Nigeria ( I brought them with me on the trip).  The mammogram was also done after which the hospital assigned Dr. Greg Pankhe as the doctor to see to interprete the results. 

Dr. Pankhe was God sent! He was very assuring, kind and encouraging. After examining me, we went into his office for him to explain the results to us. 

Dr. Pankhe told us that though the pictures from the sonogram and mammogram looked suspicious, he could not conclude on whether the tumours and cysts were benign or malignant. He said a biopsy would be done so that a sample of the cysts could be removed and examined. I agreed to this and had the biopsy done two days later.

Then the 'long' wait for the results began.

**Please note**

For this post, I used the real names of my doctors and the hospital :)